Bobby: I don’t know why they call it a campaign, because up until now it’s been a cam-pleasure.
Leslie: I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who’s well-versed in the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.
Bobby: Go ahead, have a Bobby Bar. My dad made them.
April: Hey Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you slept with all the doctors?
Ann: Do you wanna try that again?
Ann: Some of those things are symptoms, and some are just being a person.
Andy: Technically I did smash my head area into the wall area.
Andy: Neither of your asses are that smart because insurance is for if something bad happens to your car. PS, I haven’t had it in years.
Ann: Oh my god, we used to live together.
Andy: Awww…you’ve still got it for me.
Ann: Ugh, that guy is everywhere.
Donna: I am not complaining.
Chris: Ron Swanson. How are you?
Ron: Present.
Ron: Have you considered cutting the entire fire department? I have personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer.
April: Are you the kind of doctor that gets hooked on his own drugs? I bet you are.
Andy: I was reading an encyclopedia and I tripped or fell over and hit my head or brain helmet.
April: Wow, thanks for nothing, Dr. Harris.
Dr. Harris: You’re welcome.
Bobby: Hi, I’m Bobby Newport. I’m a regular guy. I like dogs. I’m here with my Persian greyhound Reclette, who was given to me by the pretender to the crown of Alsace-Lorraine.
Donna: I always go negative. Even if I like the guy, I go negative. Keeps them interested.
Ann: Oh my god, this magic marker smells like cherries.
Ron: Dam’s dead. Have a nice day.
Ron: The important thing is, the dam is never happening, and your dream has been crushed.
Chris: We’re very sorry.
Ron: I am not. Good meeting.
Tom: When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.
Andy: E, H, 4, M, potato shape, coffee mug shape, smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge, the rest are all smudges.
April: Oh my god, you drove us here.
Tom: Gotta admit, his hair game is on point. Gotta find out what kind of product he puts up in his hurrr.
Ben: All right, now we’re just wasting time, Jerry.
Chris: Ron Swanson. I want to thank you for being so ruthless and cruel in the meeting yesterday.
Ron: You’ll have to be more specific.
Chris: I’m thinking something raw and cucumber-based…a cucumber!
Ron: I don’t know what happened. I declined his invitation, he started laughing, and the next thing I knew we were at lunch. Did he drug me?
Bobby: Hi, I’m Bobby Newport. My dad is friends with John Cougar Mellencamp. That’s pretty cool.
Leslie: What is this guy running for, president of being on every channel all the time?
Leslie: Ann, you’re beautiful and you’re organized.
Ben: Leslie is so good at so many things. And so bad at that.
Ben’s campaign ad narration: Bobby Newport wants you to just hand him this election. Don’t.
Ann: I won’t!
Andy: I got my ankles microwaved.
April: X-rayed.
Andy: They took my blood away to use for science.
April: Cholesterol test.
Andy: April had her sinuses removed?
April: Looked at.
Andy: Some guy looked at my weiner. Touched it. That was weird.
April: And that guy wasn’t even a doctor.
Andy: That…what?
Leslie: Ann, I painted your garage pink.
Ann: I did not ask you to do that.
Tom: The good news is there’s only two pieces of bad news.
Tom: I’m hungry. Tommy needs a mango.
Ron: For some godforsaken reason that man is suddenly determined to hang on with me.
Donna: You mean hang out?
Ron: What is wrong with him.
Andy: Call an ambulance! A different ambulance, not the one I ran into!
Bobby: People keep asking me, “Bobby, what are you going to do once you get into office?” Um, I’m pretty sure I’ll figure it out.
Ron: This is a great friend of mine. He is a fellow who works in the building and he is named…
[Both at once]
Kyle: Kyle.
Ron: Dennis.
Chris: You’re a brother Japanophile?
Kyle: I was eating rice and Ron made me come up here, but sure that sounds fun.
Chris: I’m not lonely, I have me. And 4,000 Facebook friends and a hot girlfriend.
Bobby: Why’d you guys post that video of me, man? I mean, that didn’t make me feel good. It was mean. You guys are mean.
Leslie: We’re not gonna quit the campaign. Why would we do that?
Bobby: Because I want it. Come on, give me it. Give me it. Gimme it. C’mon gimme it. Just gimme the election! I’m sorry, please. Please.
Bobby: Why are you guys smiling, I feel bad.
Leslie: That girl is me as a 10-year old.
Bobby: How’d you do that?
Andy: No more doctors. They’re a bunch of scam artists. They reel you in with the free stuff and next thing you know, bam, you run into an ambulance. Every time.
Andy: Do you think sewing kits are covered by insurance? Or like, groceries or X-box games. What is insurance?
People of Pawnee 